i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
