I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
