Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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