Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I faked an abortion last night.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
