the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
