Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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