I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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