So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
