it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
