you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
