wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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