the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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