Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
