when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
