I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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