No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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