i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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