my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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