Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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