i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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