..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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