I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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