After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
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new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
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I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going