Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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