I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
