Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
