So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
