Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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