just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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