I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
