Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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