the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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