Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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