even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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