I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
