I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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