i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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