Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
