I have demons in me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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