Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
we're so committed to being not committed
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
