His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
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IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
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REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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