did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
