Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
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was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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