i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
