I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
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