Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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