The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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