I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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