i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
