I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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