sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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