I love black thongs
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
