At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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