Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
