I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
