My nipple is on Facebook.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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