Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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